liar
by V.Johnes
Summary: this story is set after "Lauren" and during "With Friends like these". Inspired by the talk between Dave and Hotch at the beginning of the episode, AU, Hotch and Emily are married, set in the same timeline as my stories "Can't stop him again", "Stay", "Despair" and "Death wish".
**Criminal Minds 06x19 "With Friends like these" ~Liar ~**

 **A/N: Hello everyone, this story is set after "Lauren" and during "With Friends like these". Inspired by the talk between Dave and Hotch at the beginning of the episode, AU, Hotch and Emily are married, set in the same timeline as my stories "Can't stop him again", "Stay", "Despair" and "Death wish".**

 **Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything!**

 _~liar ~_

He was a liar, he knew that. He was a liar from the moment he walked back into the waiting room after his talk with JJ. He was a liar every time someone in the Bureau gave him their _deepest_ condolences for the loss of his wife, did those people even know her? At first he thought about going back to work as if nothing happened, business as usual, wasn't that what the BAU meant after all? But after a day of looking at her empty desk, filled with flowers and cards and candles after a day of enduring all the pitying looks towards him, the whispers about ' _Poor agent Hotchner lost his wife and ex wife all in one year' and_ _'what an unlucky guy, can't he just get a break' 'How unfair!',_ pitying looks and whispers behind his back made him almost run out of the BAU. Did all those people even know him? Knew her? So he lied, he pretended he didn't listen to them every time he walked out of his office, he pretended he didn't notice the looks of the agents that walked by her desk to pay their respects. He pretended and lied. Smiled sympathetically and lied through his teeth that he and Jack are trying to _deal with things_. And _no, no he doesn't know that she's dead yet. Yes he thinks that she is away on a trip. Of course how could he break his little heart again like that?_ He felt as if he put in a tape, those answers recorded into his brain and played again and again for the whole day.

He was relieved when he saw that was five o' clock. He picked his things and almost run out of the office, Derek was sitting at his old desk, looking at Emily's desk silently, Reid and Ashley were talking softly both pretending not to glance at Emily's desk every ten minutes or so. All the three of them looked up saw him almost running down the stairs.

"Hotch!" Derek's voice startled him, made him stop for a while "What do you want us to do with all those staff on Emily's desk?" Hotch closed his eyes and took a deep breath "Dumb that shit, I don't give a damn" he didn't turn to see their faces but he could tell by the gasp coming from Ashley that all of them were shocked by his reaction. He kept walking not really caring anymore. He was supposed to be a mourning husband and mourning husbands have mood swings, are grumpy, angry at the world. Sure his wife was alive, but for all that mattered she was dead. He couldn't see her; he couldn't talk to her, contact her in any way. And the fact that she was just a few miles around 50 to be exact and he didn't even know under what name she was recovering in Bethesda was making the whole thing worse. She was transferred the day of her funeral. He hadn't seen her since the night she " _died_ ".

He knew they all were watching him for signs of grief, breaking down and at first he wasn't willing to give them the satisfaction. He knew that Strauss and the rest of the higher ups in the Bureau were looking for a reason to kick him out (well mainly Strauss but over the course of years she got few others in her side, mostly other Section Chiefs, but he wasn't deaf or blind or stupid, he knew that the new deputy director didn't like him one bit either), he wasn't going to give them a reason to end his carrier, right now, along with Jack was the only thing keeping him sane.

He walked fast to Strauss' office and barged in, he didn't care if she was in a meeting, she never cared when she barged into _his_ office after all, and requested, no _demanded_ a couple of weeks off. Actually he just informed her that he was getting two weeks personal time. He reasoned it as dealing with the loss of his wife, as having the chance to spent some time with his son. He maybe said something else, he doesn't remember all the lies correctly and left. He left her office, left the floor, the BAU and the building. He went home in record time. For the next two weeks he lied every time anyone from the team had called to see _how he was doing_. Every time he told them he was _dealing_ and _doing fine_ , he lied to them over and over.

He lied every time was looking himself on the mirror too. He was lying to himself by trying to convince himself that he was fine.

So when this morning, after Seaver's graduation, Dave asked him if he had started looking for _Prentiss's replacement_ he lied again. He said he did, he told him that he wants his input but in reality, all the files with the possible _replacements_ sat untouched on his desk. He couldn't even look at them. How could anyone replace her? And after all they didn't need to, because she was coming back! He told himself again and again till he believed it. _She is coming back! She is coming back! She is coming back!_ He repeated it again and again in his head like a mantra, hoping that in the end he'll believe it and maybe, by some sick luck he will make it happen too. Like he can will fate to bring her back to him. _Like he can will a man to death_.

He is a liar, a stinking liar and he knows that. He is a liar but he doesn't know, doesn't want to and can't change it.

He is a liar…

 **A/N: Hey, hope you liked it, I was watching season 6 again these days and a few ideas popped into my head, this is one of them, as always let me know what you are thinking, I'd love to know**

 **Till next time, Bye!**


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